Ep 37: The Dating Apps Medley (with Klinsen Soh)
Hosts: Jade and Deniece
Guest: Klinsen Soh
ABOUT THE EPISODE
In this episode Jade and Deniece feature Klinsen Soh, from the "But Then How" Podcast, and they talk about Dating Apps. They share personal experiences using some of these apps and tips to note for people considering using them.
A MILLENNIAL MESS
EPISODE 37 PODCAST SHOW NOTES
[02:41] Today's guest is Klinsen Soh and the topic to be discussed is "Dating Apps". This topic follows an article about a telegram chat group created by a lady to expose guys on a dating app who offended her while dating.
[11:57] What was your experience like using dating apps? Klinsen started using dating apps in 2017 after university, beginning with the more basic popular ones like Tinder, and "Coffee Meets Bagel". He describes different phases guys often go through with dating apps; the phase where there is high use of the app, then burnout, then abandoning the app, after which they use the app again. Jade started in 2015 although she only began to meet people much later. Another dating app Jade used was Bumble. With "Tinder", there has to be a match before a conversation starts, with "Coffee Meets Bagel" every noon you get profiles sent to you to interact with, but with "Bumble" the girl has to make the first move. Another very basic dating app is "OK Cupid"
[19:04] What is your most exciting or horrible experience? Klinsen has not had any negative experience using dating apps, although he notes it may be more difficult for guys because most guys tend to swipe indiscriminately which gives the algorithm the impression that they are not high-quality users.
[21:26] Jade shares her experience using "OK Cupid" which doesn't require a match before people start conversations got her overwhelmed with messages. Although this has been changed now to require a match, she had to leave the app because she couldn't cope. Klinsen notes that another issue guys have is that 80% of women only swipe right with the same 20% of guys that stand out because women are quite strict in their selection. This leaves close to 80% of guys finding it difficult to match and they have to work much harder to differentiate themselves. Additionally, a lot of people don't show their faces well or at all in their profiles for several reasons, however, this affects their ability to match too.
[27:48] Jade narrates an experience she had while using an app where she met someone who got too possessive within a week of meeting her and had to stop seeing the person as she realized he had a very high level of insecurity. Deniece also finds insecurity unsettling; in general, insecurity is not attractive even as friends. A couple should come together as two complete people instead of two broken people". Klinsen however points out that in some cases, insecurity and possessiveness are due to a very long period of waiting and trying to get a match on the dating app. Nonetheless, it is important to keep in mind that you're not exclusive until it is stated.
[37:05] While some people take advantage of dating apps to misbehave to a person and ghost them after, knowing that there is no other connection to them, the same mindset allows people to take risks and be vulnerable without being too worried about getting exposed to someone familiar who could use it against them.
[38:35] Sometimes, people may intentionally not have the conversation on exclusivity because they are hoping or waiting on a better offer. This buttresses the need to not assume exclusivity. Every relationship does not have to lead to marriage, so it helps keep an open mind especially since you don't know if the other person is ready to be your partner.
[40:56] What if someone better comes along the way after you have committed to another person? This would depend on the goal of the current relationship; in situations where the relationship has no direction, then it may not be out of place to move to another person but in situations where there is a goal for the relationship and feelings are mutual, it is not advisable to end it based on hopes that the new person would be better. In love you have to take risks and live with the consequences; there is no correct answer.
[45:15] Would you advise someone to use dating apps if they're looking for a partner? Klinsen believes that younger people around the age of 20 can explore the app with an open mind not expecting too much, while older people can do more of meeting people organically. Jade believes that it depends on your personal preference; it may be harder for people who want a serious relationship to find it on dating apps but there are other possible benefits. She notes that her experiences on dating apps helped build her confidence and ability to talk to any guy. This also applied to Klinsen who gained more confidence and accepted himself more. Klinsen had more success in the latter part of using a dating app.
[52:54] Dating Apps can be a distraction, so spend more time investing in yourself and your hobbies so you won't be looking for someone to depend on to feel complete.